NO GUILT

Yom Kippur begins at sundown tonight.  It is known as the “Day of Atonement, in other words a day of making amends, seeking forgiveness, and receiving forgiveness.  But nowhere in there is the idea that Yom Kippur is the “Day of Guilt”.

I was talking with somebody who suggested that it is hard to say “no” to a loved one without feeling guilt.  

Now, for sure it often isn’t easy to say “no” without guilt, but I believe it is essential to work towards that.  
Here is what I see happening when guilt is present.  

1) To me, saying “no” without guilt means the person saying “no” is acting in an empowered way. The person likely believes that his or her needs matter, that they matter to his or her partner, and that he or she feels safe in having and expressing those needs. 

Guilt suggests the opposite, that we may fear consequences if we say “no”, that we may feel unsafe, and that we may believe that our needs don’t matter.  

And ideally aren’t we supposed to feel safest with our loved ones?  Shouldn’t they be the ones with whom we feel most comfortable setting boundaries?  Or at the very least be trying to move in that direction?  

2) And from the other perspective, if for example I suspect my wife might feel guilty (pain) when she says “no" to a request of mine (say "let’s go out to dinner”), then it feels a lot harder for me to make requests.  In this case, everything including communication feels a bit constrained.  

To be clear, if my wife does feel guilty about saying “no” to something, then we/she may have work to do.  But for sure I must have work to do, including looking closely at how I make the request and how I react if she says “no”.  For example, am I pushy with my request?  Do I get reactive if she says “no”?  Etc.  

Making requests and constructively interacting with our partners around requests is an important way of getting closer and doing the work that draws more blessings and joy into the relationship. In contrast, when we start in with agreement, which of course feels better, there is less work to do and therefore fewer blessings to receive.  

Much Love.