My Article On How to Feel Connected in Your Life
I am thrilled that Mainstreet Magazine published in its April issue my piece How to Feel Connected in Your life. Here is the piece in its entirety:
How to Feel More Connected in your Life
Connection is not so easy to define, although I think most of us may have a sense of what it means to be connected or to not be connected. For purposes of this piece, I will define connection as feeling positive emotions because we are part of something or are linked to something or somebody else.
Not feeling connected is tough. When we don’t feel connection, we can feel lonely, anxious, and depressed. We might feel a lack of purpose, direction, and peace.
The more connected we feel, the more our lives fall into balance, the more we heal on all levels, and the happier and more effective we become. As well, when we feel connected, the more content we feel when we are by ourselves.
So what do we do to feel more connected?
Some Ways to Feel More Connected
One powerful way to feel more connected is to spend time in nature. Whether climbing hills, walking in a park or forest, boating on a river or lake… we have a chance to connect with the healing power of nature.
Another way to find connection is to pursue our life purpose. When we spend time doing what we are meant to be doing, it is satisfying and empowering. And when doing something that isn’t in our heart to be doing, do we not feel bored and unhappy?
Many people find time with animals to be incredibly connecting and satisfying.
And for some, connecting with Creator can be a powerful experience. I think those of us who believe in Creator and feel connected to the light of Creator often feel a certain peace and contentment, even when confronting life’s storms.
Connecting with Ourselves and Others
I think connecting with ourselves and with other people are the most challenging and potentially among the most rewarding types of connection.
I think that to connect with ourselves means seeing ourselves for who we truly are and recognizing our value. And I believe that virtually all of us have Creator’s light in us and therefore are valuable.
To me, the keys for connecting with other people include treating them with compassion, caring, acceptance, generosity, and forgiveness. It may also mean helping them and participating with them in a shared cause. On the point of forgiveness, an important step in forgiving others is for us to open our hearts to ourselves and forgive ourselves for our real and imagined mistakes. Once we do this, it is far easier to do the same for others.
Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself
There is a story from the Talmud about a man who wanted to convert to Judaism but only “if a rabbi would teach him the entire Torah while he, the prospective convert, stood on one leg.” The first rabbi was “insulted by the request” and refused. “The man did not give up and went to Hillel. This gentle sage accepted the challenge, and said, ‘What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation of this—go and study it!’" https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/689306/jewish/On-One-Foot.htm
“What is hateful to you do not do to your neighbor” seems a variation of “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
In spiritual teachings, one is encouraged to look beneath the surface for meaning. To me, the meaning of being on one leg is that there is a teaching about balance.
I believe we are being told that “Love They Neighbor” must be in balance with “Love Thyself”. Or Love Thy Neighbor = Love Thyself, where the “as” is also an equal sign in an equation of balance. In other words, the commandment isn’t just a commandment but also a description of a law of nature-- a statement that we will love our neighbor to the extent we love ourselves and love ourselves to the extent we love our neighbors. So, I see connecting with ourselves and connecting with others as inevitably linked.
Indeed, how often does it seem that people who truly love themselves love others? And those of us who are hard on other people are often hard on ourselves; and if we are hard on ourselves, we are often hard on other people.
This seems a variation of what goes around comes around. For sure if you treat me with kindness and affection, aren’t you more likely to get kindness and affection back from me? And the same with anger and hate?
What about people who seem to give a lot more than they receive? These people often feel good about themselves and are applauded. But have you noticed that often these people burn themselves out? And in the process, they end up unable to give what they once gave, which brings their giving back in balance with what they are able to receive.
Some people only want to connect with like-minded people. This type of connection may be partially grounded in shared anger, fear, or dislike of others for any number of reasons. Consider the hate and criticism these days between so many groups as reported by most news outlets. And what do the people on each side of many issues get for their negativity towards those who are different? For the most part, do they not get negativity back?
And ironically, how many people call for unity and for us all to come together and then one day later say something sarcastic and negative about the political party, politicians, or other people they don’t like? What emotion do you think is going through us when we are being negative about others like this? Possibly anger? Possibly scorn for those different from us? Possibly feelings of superiority (which might be hiding feelings of inferiority)? But none of it seems to bring us closer to those we insult. And do we feel any sense of peace when we are angry? In other words, when angry in a serious way for any extended period of time, how much loving of thy neighbor and loving of thyself are we doing? But when we are kind to others, doesn’t that usually make us feel good about ourselves?
Through Love and Connection We Can Achieve our Goals
Many influential people have discussed “loving they neighbor” as essential for connecting with others in order to achieve our goals.
In 1967, one year before he was killed, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote in Where Do We Go from Here? “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that… In speaking of love we are not referring to some sentimental emotion. It would be nonsense to urge men to love their oppressors in an affectionate sense… When we speak of loving those who oppose us… we speak of a love which is expressed in the Greek word Agape. Agape means nothing sentimental or basically affectionate; it means understanding, redeeming goodwill for all men...”
Mahatma Gandhi said, “In a gentle way you can shake the world.”
And in How to Win Friends and Influence People, human relations expert Dale Carnegie wrote on how to “change attitudes and behavior:” "Show respect for the other person’s opinion... Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view... Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person."
I know this isn’t easy. On many occasions each day, I find it hard to follow the advice of these wise people. But I think we can get the job done because: 1) I believe there are good and thoughtful people on both sides of virtually all issues, 2) I believe, except for rare cases, there is good in all of us, and none of us is all good or all bad, 3) I don’t believe we need to be perfect... just better, and 4) well…
…“Forgiveness remains the only path that leads out of hell. Whether we’re forgiving our parents, someone else, or ourselves, the laws of mind remain the same: As we love, we shall be released from pain, and as we deny love, we shall remain in pain. Every moment, we’re either extending love or projecting fear, and every thought takes us nearer to Heaven or hell. By bringing the past into the present, we create a future just like the past. By letting the past go, we make room for miracles. An attack on a brother is a reminder of his guilty past. In choosing to affirm a brother’s guilt, we are choosing to experience more of it.” Marianne Williamson, spiritual teacher and 2020 Presidential candidate.
Looked at this way, forgiveness is an act of compassion as it frees the other person as well as ourselves. It helps if the other person apologizes for doing something wrong, but even if not, forgiveness saves us from the on-going toxic emotions that push us away from others and also ourselves. After all, as it relates to ourselves, just how happy are we and how much peace do we feel when we are angry or feeling negatively about others. So, stated simply, forgiveness opens our hearts. In doing so, it lays a foundation for connection because it is a gift to the other person but an even bigger gift to ourselves.
Finally, if we accept as valid the commandment to “Love thy neighbor as thyself”, and if we assume that we are trying to love or at least like ourselves, should we keep the commandment in mind only with those it is easy to “love” or also with those we find hard to “love”?