“I Like you As You Are”-- Mister Rogers
The other night, my wife and I watched A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood starring Tom Hanks as Mister (Fred) Rogers and Matthew Rhys as Esquire reporter Lloyd Vogel. I found the movie beautiful and inspiring but also thought provoking in a way I did not expect.
In the movie, Vogel’s boss orders the cynical Vogel to do a story on Mister Rogers. Vogel is intensely angry at his father because his father abandoned Vogel’s dying mom, his sister, and him. A friendship blooms between Vogel and Mister Rogers. As a result of this friendship, which looks more like a teacher/student relationship with Mister Rogers as the teacher, Vogel achieves a beautiful and I think believable family reconciliation.
Much of the movie portrays Mister Rogers in a heroic light. But later in the movie, there is (at least to me) a big surprise:
Mister Rogers apparently often said to people: “I like you as you are.” And “I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now.”
But Mister Rogers and Vogel also have the following conversation:
Vogel: I can’t imagine it was easy growing up with you as a father.
Mister Rogers: Until recently my oldest never told people about me. He’s very private, and that’s okay. And my youngest son, he genuinely tested me. But eventually, we found our way, and now I’m very proud of them. But you are right Lloyd. It couldn’t have been easy on them. Thank you. Thank you for that perspective.
Vogel: [seemingly frustrated] You’re welcome.
Mister Rogers: Is that not the answer you were hoping for?
Mister Rogers: Being a parent does not mean being a perfect parent.
In saying “now I’m very proud of them,” is the implication that once he was not proud of them? Or stated differently, there was a time he couldn’t follow his own advice and “like them as they are”?
Granted, there may be a difference between being proud and liking somebody. However, the film is so thoughtful and precise that I believe that the intent was to show him as a parent who wasn’t always able to follow his own advice. Indeed, Mister Rogers says to Vogel at one point, “Being a parent does not mean being a perfect parent.” And since Mister Rogers wife in real life, Joanne, actually has a cameo appearance in the film, one might conclude that she is comfortable with the idea of his imperfection.
And this really seems a core idea of the film to me— beautiful people are also imperfect people, but their imperfections provide opportunities for building more loving relationships. The main plot line involves the bitter Vogel reconciling with the imperfect father who abandoned him. And yet Vogel himself does the same thing, leaving town with his wife and son at the hospital keeping watch while his Father may be dying-- although perhaps it is worth mentioning that Vogel leaves to visit Mister Rogers where he ultimately receives the guidance needed to come back and reconcile with his father. Actually, Vogel’s leaving his family in this way seems to lay the foundation for connecting in a deeper way with all members of his family.
By definition, we are human and therefore, imperfect. And as Mister Rogers and those who made the film apparently believe, I believe that we can be amazing in our imperfection, not despite our imperfections. And that it is our imperfections that facilitate our growth, create opportunities for forgiveness, and pave the way for self-compassion and compassion for others.
Some say said that “Love is blind.” However, I prefer that we aspire for “I like you as you are,” or “I love you as you are” to mean that “I see all of who you are and like and love you as you are.” I know I am better able to trust my loved ones’ compliments when they also hold me accountable for working on my faults, both for their and my own highest good. And bigger picture, I know I feel safer in their love not when they either don’t see or pretend not to see my flaws but rather when it is clear that they see all of me.
In closing, I do wish to be clear that I believe that it is each of our own jobs to do the work of figuring out how to accept and love ourselves, regardless of how anybody else treats us. But I also believe that the more we (and I know I have lots of work to do here) can emulate Mister Roger’s and like each other as we are, the closer we will come to that magical day when all of us will be able to say, “I see all of you and me and like and love you and me as we are.”